The Poolie Bunker

Below is the article our lass wrote for the February/March edition of Monkey Business. I think it deserves another airing.


"I think we have established that what I really know about football could be written on the back of a postage stamp with a bingo dobber.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t know a good lad when I see one. When the transfer window opened and everyone was full of talk about Duffy, Barker, Monkhouse and Daly, I think we should take stock and appreciate what we have got. Eifion Williams, bless his little cotton socks.

I must confess that there was a time when cheering on a ’Williams’ would have meant Robbie. Now though, I have a place in my heart for Eifion, and the Rock DJ has been well and truly relegated.

For a start, mine and Eifion’s relationship with Pools started at around the same time. For him though it all looked a lot more promising with a transfer from Torquay. My introduction was a bit different - a cheeky grope in a dodgy Nottingham nightclub from the now Monkey Bizz editor brought Pools into my life.

The attraction was instant (with Eifion I mean). This became apparent at my first ever Pools match down in Exeter. Others remember that day for Gordon Watson’s opener, a Tony Williams penalty save, and a play-off place secured.

I remember noting Eifion, the unlikely hero, looking like a bit like a modern George Foreman without the banjo (sorry, I meant George Formby, Foreman’s the bloke with the grill—can you image though—’If you could smell what I could smell, when I’m cooking bacon!). I’m digressing. Eifion stood out for having a bit of a weathered face, twinkly eyes, a wiry frame and a cheeky grin. It was a face you could trust, although 2 little knock knees poking out of the top of his socks didn't seem particularly trustworthy as a goalscoring phenomenon. However, he scored the second goal against Exeter that day, and has hit the net for Pools many times since.

And so he continued his career with Pools, making regular understated appearances, good clean play and grabbing equalisers or winners just when we seemed to need it most. He never seems to cause any chew, and if he does have any altercations with a ref he takes his punishment with grace rather than working his ticket into a red.

Like all long-serving Pools players, he seems genuinely proud to pull a Pools shirt on and do his best for the team. And whilst he isn’t afraid of a bit of mud, his top sometimes seems to be so neat that I imagine that he tucks it into his underpants. And there have been no daft haircuts, unlike Westy’s Pineapple Lilt Lady impression or Ritchie Humphreys Sonic the Hedgehog. What a little soldier!

But as with all the best heroes, I feel Eifion’s tale is tinged with woe. Firstly there was the injury which meant he had to withdraw from the Wales squad, preventing him from winning a cap for the Land of His Fathers, which I imagine would have been a great honour for him.

Then there have been all the times he has had to play in midfield rather than as a proper striker. Apparently he is the most substituted Pools player ever, yet he always seems to leave the pitch with his head high and a word of encouragement for his replacement. His withdrawal from games must be for some technical reason that I can’t get my head round, and I have also been told that he is Pools highest ever scorer as a sub, which surely must tell something to all the managers he’s played under.

But by far and away the biggest trauma was that game against Sheffield Wednesday in the play-off final, in Cardiff, the capital city of his country. Not only was he dropped from the starting line up to be replaced by Thomas Butler (and what kind of a Pools player did he prove to be?), he came off the bench to score our equaliser, but as we all know, ultimately ended up on the losing side that day. Seeing him exhausted and crestfallen on that Millennium Stadium turf broke my heart.

There is one final reason why Eifion the man, the player, and the knock knees should not be neglected or overlooked. And that is his utmost dignity, tolerance and patience when all those Poolies shout ’Owway Effy-on’. Please remember that it should actually be pronounced ’Eye-fyon’. Eifion, we salute you, and if ever you want to come round for your tea, you’d be more than welcome. You still look like you need a good feed!

just as good now as the first time



apart from the spell check corrections

An excellent piece!
It's sooo good I'd wish I'd written summat similar about a couple of my former stalking victims!
Nice one Mrs Poolieinnotingham