The Poolie Bunker

In another strange twist in the tale of the little girl the nation loves, experts are now claiming that Maddy probably would have grown up to be a serial killer and menace to society.

Experts have examined fragments of DNA found by our reporter on the doormat of the house from which Maddy disappeared. The DNA, coupled with the slightly odd behaviour of her parents, suggest that Maddy would probably have grown up to be one of the worst serial killers of all time.

"I know it won't be a popular view," said Professor Witter of Shelby University, "but it's probably best for us all that she's dead."

Several other experts agreed with his findings. "Though I don't know if she's dead for sure," one of them pointed out. "It's probably best to check."

Another psychologist disagrees. "She probably would have grown up to be a perfectly ordinary neurotic middle class woman obsessed with buying fake elixirs of eternal youth," he said. "The point is, now we'll never know. That's the tragedy."

Friends of the McCann family have reacted angrily to the findings. "Maddy was a nice girl," said one of them. "She always ate her peas."

"I blame the Portuguese police," said another insider. "They should have made sure they'd got all the DNA off that doormat weeks ago."

Maddy's parents were unavailable for comment but were said to be 'perplexed' by the new findings.